Friday, February 29, 2008

When You Gotta Go...


Owen, Owen, Owen...

He learned a very valuable lesson this evening; one that he can use, perhaps, for the rest of his life.

Owen, Sophie, Ella-Belle, and the boyfriend that drives me insane were waiting in the car while Valerie and I went into a tattoo parlor (she was picking out a design and setting up an appointment). We ended up being in there for quite a while, and the 2 little kids were getting restless so Sophie came in to hurry us up. I finally talked Valerie into making up her mind at home and coming back later and we left.

When we got to the car, Owen was sitting in the driver's seat crying.

ME- "What's wrong, Buddy?"
OWEN- "I have to PEE!"
ME- "Oh, great!"

I knew I couldn't take him in the tattoo parlor, and I needed to think fast- he was about to explode!

ME- "Come here, Owen, you are going to pee on the tire!"
OWEN- "WHAT?!"
ME- "Just pull down your pants a little bit and pee on the tire."
OWEN- "But what if someone sees me?"
ME- "I'll hide you so no one will see you."
OWEN- "O.K."

Owen pulled his jeans down far enough to get his "winkie" out and started spraying the car.

He was GIGGLING so hard that his belly was bouncing up and down making his pee uncontrollable. I think he got it on my shoe.

He finished up, zipped his pants, and jumped in the car. He was so proud of himself that he couldn't wait to tell everyone what he did!

Now, I think I may have to worry that my child is going to randomly pee on car tires.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Bank or Matress???

On January 16, 2008, I noticed that there was a $250.00 charge to my bank account that I did not authorize.I immediatly called the bank to see what I needed to do. Since this transaction was "pending", I was told I would have to wait until it "posted" to file any paperwork regarding fraud.

So, I waited.

While I waited, I was charged overdraft fees #1,2&3 @ $34.00 a pop.

On January 18, the $250.00 charge posted to my account...but not until midnight. I called the bank the next morning, which happened to be a Saturday, and asked how I should proceed. I was told that, unfortunatly, I would have to wait until Tuesay to file my fraud report because Monday was a holiday. GRRR....

So, I waited.

Add overdrafts #4,5,6,7&8 @ $34.00 a pop.

I call on Tuesday. The bank manager told me I needed to come into the bank to fill out a paper and they would need a signature to proceed with my fraud claim. He told me I could go to any of this bank's branches. I happened to be driving passed a branch while I was talking to him, so I decided to go to that one. BIG MISTAKE!

I talked to the manager at that branch and explained to her the same thing I had told the other manager. I am convinced that this particular branch manager must be related to someone higher up, 'cause she sure as hell should not be managing a bank!

She had me file a dispute. This was mistake #1 on her part.(I found out later) I should have filled out an affidavid instead. I'm guessing she, as the manager, should have known this! She told me I would have my $250.00 and my overdraft fees refunded in 2-3 business days.

Friday, day 3, no money.

Overdraft #9,10,11,12&13 @ $34.00 a pop.

I called the manager and asked why I had not been refunded yet. She says she isn't sure (imagine that?) and she will check into it and call me back. Oh, and by the way, she asks me if I know my account is overdrawn.

Now, I don't know about anyone else, but have auto bill pay for quite a few things, including my house payment. I can't make them stop. No $#!+ my account is overdrawn! In my business, January is a slow month. I didn't have that much extra money to pull out of my @$$ for the bank to play with!

After 2 weeks,5 phone calls, and 19 total overdrafts I was told I would need to fill out the affidavid (ya think?). I went in and filled it out with a teller so it wouldn't get effed up. I was told I would have the $ refunded in 2-3 business days.

2 days later I was refunded $250.00 and $68.00 in overdraft fees.

$68.00! Are you effin kidding me???

I called the manager 5 more times. She always happened to be "busy" when I called (hmmmm). She would not return my calls. I called the fraud department myself. They finally returned me another $476.00 in overdraft fees and the $8.00 continuous overdraft fee I was charged. After I added it up, I realized they still shorted me $104.00!

My saga started on January 16, 2008...

I was finally refunded the rest of my money today: February 25, 2008.

Who did the final refund, you ask? It was that lovely bank teller!

And that's not all...I cancelled my debit card and ordered a new one so this would not happen again (they never did figure out how it happened in the first place). The bank I use give me 2 point per $ I spend and 25 points per check I write. I can use these to buy things like gas cards and other things. Well, I had about 30,000 or so points saved. When she cancelled my card, she wiped out my points!!!

OOPS! She missed the memo! She was supposed to call "lost or stolen" to cancel a card. And she got this job HOW???

But she got me 5,000 points back...whoopdeedoo...I have an email to customer service on this one.

I'm hiding my money in a matress from now on!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Why I wish I was Single...

I work an average of 50 hours a week.

I go to school on Monday (my day off) and Wednesday evenings.

This week, I am going to work on Monday before I go to school for 4 hours, so I won't really have my extra day off. So, what am I doing today, Sunday, on my only day off this weeks?

LAUNDRY & CLEANING

Why wouldn't I be? I mean, I do have 5 kids; 3 of which are perfectly capable of picking up after themselves. I also have one of those new-fangled stay-at-home-dads.

In my opinion, if I work and go to school and pay all the bills, I should not have to wash all the effing laundry and clean the entire effing house on my only effing day off!

And what does he do, you ask? Well, he sure doesn't watch the 2 little kids...they go to pre-school all day. And he hasn't taken out the trash in a MONTH! And he hasn't cleaned up the mess his litter of puppies made in the master bathroom (that we don't use because of this reason. btw, the puppies are loooong gone!).

He does play on my son's Playstation 3. All night long. He goes to bed when I get up with the kids. He sleeps all day. He usually gets up around 3:00 and calls me at work and has the nerve to say,

"What are you doin'?"

'What am I doin'?' What the eff do you think I do at work all day? No, I do not do manual labor; I do hair. What I do is still physical, mental, and sometimes very draining. I cannot chit-chat with you while I'm working. That is rude. I am not being paid top $$ by my clients for them to listen to us argue. 'What am I doin'?' 'What are you doin'?' My house is a friggin' pig-sty. It's like children's services bad (ok, not really, but it's not far from it). Do you think you could clean SOMETHING while you are home...by yourself...with no kids...all day long???

And another thing...

Just because I say I will be done at 8:00 does not mean that you should call me at 8:00 on the nose to check on me. Sometimes, I run behind. And...I still have to clean up my mess.

I'm sorry that you are so insecure in your manhood that you feel the need to call 100 times a day and make sure I am at work. I really don't care if you are lonely all by yourself at home. You want a solution?

GET A JOB!!!

It's not like the house will fall apart without you here. In fact, it might be a little cleaner.

Friday, February 22, 2008

It's Too Late to 'Pologize...

The weather is crappy.
Work has been slow.
I ran out of gas trying to warm up my car.
I have a tooth-ache.

Today is one of those days that I will always commit to memory. Not for the bad things that happened, but for that one funny thing that made the whole day better!

After work, I picked up Owen and Ella Belle from my parent's house. We all piled in the car and strapped in. My parents only live 2 miles from us, so it's a short drive. A song came on the radio, and I got the most adorable serenade from the backseat!

A 3 1/2 and a 5 year old beltin' out Timbaland...need I say more?
So, for 5 whole minutes I hear the following lyrics repeated...over and over and over...

I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to 'pologize, it's too late

50 Little Known Facts About Me...

1. My name is Michelle, but only my Dad and telemarketers call me that. I prefer to go by Shelli.
2. I am the oldest of 4 kids; I am currently 35.
3. I am a firecracker…born on the 4th of July!
4. I was born in Indiana and moved to Ohio 2 days before my 12th birthday.
5. I went to a Catholic grade school for 9 years.
6. I wore a uniform for 10 of my 13 years of school.
7. I think there should be a ban on uniforms!
8. I have one sister, Janet
9. I have 2 brothers, Kenny and Denny (no, they are not twins!)
10. I went to a vocational high school and earned a license in Cosmetology.
11. I was voted "Most Likely to Succeed" by my Cosmetology class.
12. I was pregnant at the time.
13. I have been a Hair Designer for 17.5 years. It will be 18 years in June.
14. My oldest son will be 18 in September.
15. I have 5 children.
16. My brother also has 5 children.
17. My parents have 10 grandchildren, so far.
18. They will get no more grandchildren from me!
19. My 2 nephews and one of my nieces are adopted.
20. My sister-in-law is super cool!
21. I started college at the age of 34.
22. I will have my associates’ degree at the age of 36, I think!
23. I am going to be a Social Worker and Chemical Dependency Counselor.
24. My older 3 children’s father is an alcoholic and a drug addict.
25. He rarely calls my kids.
26. I have never been married (I know, bad girl)
27. My kids are 17, 16, 11, 5, and 3.
28. Boy, girl, girl, boy, girl.
29. Dustyn, Valerie, Sophie, Owen, and Ella.
30. I’m afraid my kids will take after their dad.
31. I live in the house I grew up in (since I moved to Ohio)
32. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie.
33. Morgan Freeman is my favorite actor.
34. When I read a James Patterson book with Dr. Alex Cross’s character in it, I can hear Morgan Freeman’s voice in my head!
35. I can’t type without looking at the keys.
36. I hate to cook.
37. I wish I liked to cook.
38. I wish I knew how to cook.
39. We eat spaghetti…A LOT!
40. We don’t hang out in our family room.
41. Everyone congregates in my bedroom.
42. My bedroom is the messiest room in the house.
43. I sometimes wake up with a bed full of kids, even the teenagers.
44. My hair is blonde, but I color it black…and red.
45. No one believes my hair is blonde.
46. I spend every weekend in the summer at my daughter’s softball games.
47. My daughter says she likes it that I don’t coach her from the bleachers like other parents do.
48. I have to use SPF 50 sunscreen or I look like a lobster.
49. I love to wear make-up, but I never have time to put it on.
50. Everyone comments on my green eyes.

Monday, February 18, 2008

What is That Smell???

I take a weightlifting class. I get a college credit for it. So, since I am actually being graded on working out, I show up and work out! (unlike that Curves membership I used for 2 out of the 12 months I paid for!)

I have a work out buddy. We met in the class, but we live in the same school district and our daughter's both play softball, so we have a lot in common. (the teacher for this class happens to be my daughter's softball coach) There are only 2 other women besides us; the rest are guys. They hang in a group and work out together. We ignore them; they ignore us.

But then there's this one guy...

This guy walks around and bothers everyone. Every once in a while he will get on a machine and do a set, but mostly he just runs his mouth. The teacher can't stand him. And for some reason...which I don't even want to know...even though he NEVER breaks a sweat, he smells like a HOG!

And the smell lingers...

I smell him as soon as I walk in the wellness center (I am always fashionably late:)) and I can smell him long after he's gone. Certianly he must smell himself! How could he not? I just don't understand how someone can walk around stinking. Deoderant is not expensive (especially if you are an expert CVS-er like moi!) and neither is soap!

Who knows? Maybe he heard Matthew McConaughey doesn't wear deoderant and he's trying to get in on some of his action:)~

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A Listening Ear...

I am going to school to be an addictions/chemical dependency counselor. I often question whether or not this is going to be my calling. I don't get much...ok ANY...support at home. I am always reminded that my teenagers have used right under my nose. I think it's different when it's our own kids-we all tend to turn a blind eye.

One assignment I had to complete for my class this quarter was to go to 2 AA or NA meetings, and write a reaction paper. I went to one face to face meeting; which I found to be very enlightning.I stayed after and spoke to one of the guys that runs the YAA meetings that my son attends. I wrote my paper and felt pretty good about my experience. But still, I questioned myself.

Tonight, I decided to take a different approach to a meeting. I looked to see if there were any online meetings. I found one and logged in. I was late; I came in half way throught the meeting. I had a hard time keeping up with the chat...I've never been much for chatrooms. There were a couple of testimonials, and then the meeting ended. After the end of the meeting, people could hang around and chat. There were different rooms to go to, one of them being the "Kitchen". This is the room I choose.

I was making small talk when a man signed on and started talking about being injured by his 16yr old daughter. She had kicked him in the ribs, fracturing them. He needed someone to talk to; normally in this situation, he would drink. We started a conversation. I asked some questions about his daughter and her life. He told me about adopting her when she was 5, and how she had been abused as a baby and toddler. I commended him on adopting an older child-so many people don't want to get involved with the baggage that comes along with them. We discussed different things that could have triggered her outburst. We never came up with a conclusion to her issues, but he thanked me for being there to listen to him.

I helped him, and he helped me. He helped me finally realize that I don't need to have all the answers; sometimes a listening ear is all people need.

Oh Baby...Ella Belle

We went to Target this evening. I was trying to cash in on some 100-calorie pack Goldfish cracker and left or Valentine's Day candy deals that I had coupons for. I raided the clearance racks and got some awesome deals on sweats and shirts for Owen and Ella Belle. We had been there for about 45 minutes when the two little kids were grating on my last nerve. I begged their dad to take them to the car so I could finish shopping. He started on his way out, and as I was standing there looking at the Goldfish crackers, I heard Ella Belle's voice blurt out:

"Oh baby, sweet Momma!"

I have no clue what she was doing, or why she said this. He dad had no clue why she said it either. I was embarrassed, and I was no where near them! Owen learned this particular phrase at preschool from one of his friends. They say it all the time at home, but what made this time so funny is what came next.

There was a woman pushing her daughter in a cart passed Ella Belle when she said this. As this woman went passed my isle, I heard her little girl, who was about 2 1/2 years old, saying:

"Oh baby, sweet Momma. Oh baby, sweet Momma. Oh baby, sweet Momma. Oh baby, sweet Momma."

I feel sorry for this poor woman when she has to explain to everyone that her daughter picked up this phrase in Target!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Tales of Ella-Belle


Ella Belle is an interesting little girl...to say the least. Her name is Ella Julianna, but we have always called her Ella Belle. She is going to be 4 in April. She is tall and thin, and has a tiny little face on this adorable little pea head. I have never let her hair grow long; it has always been cut in an inverted bob, which suits her to a T.

Ella Belle does and says some of the funniest things.

This is her story:

We were CVSing the other day, and Ella Belle spied a digital voice recorder (like the ones on TV)

Ella Belle- "Mommy, I want that! Please can I have that!"
Me- "Ella Belle, you don't need that."
Ella Belle- "But Mommy! I want to say, 'Milk, butter, eggs' into it."
Me- "Do what?"
Ella Belle- "We have to get one so we 'never forget where we park our car again' Mommy!"
Me- (I had to stop pushing the cart to cross my legs so I would not wet myself laughing!) "Ella Belle, you watch way too much TV!"

Today, Ella Belle came to visit me at work. I was doing a nail fill on a friend of mine. Ella Belle went to the restroom, and when she came out, she was walking funny. We both commented about it, but I figured her dad had her in a pull-up (he's lazy) and she had a wedgie.

Ella Belle came up to me about 10 minutes later and said:

Ella Belle- "Mommy!"
Me- " What's wrong baby?"
Ella Belle- "I pooped!"
Me- "In your pants?"
Ella Belle- "NO! In the potty!"
Me- "Did you wipe?"
Ella Belle- "I need help!"

We went back to the restroom, and as we walk in Ella Belle started pulling toilet paper out of her pants. That's why she was walking funny! She had shoved toilet paper in her underwear so she wouldn't get poop on them. Again, I am crossing my legs so I don't wet myself from laughing!

There is never a dull moment with Ella Belle around!

Friday, February 15, 2008

20 Tubes of Toothpaste

I try to buy toothpaste once every two years or so. The last time I bought toothpaste, Meijer and Kroger were still offering super-double coupons. We were down to our last tube-panic set in. I had all but given up on coupons; I could never seem to find any good ones.

Then I was introduced to CVS (thanks Jenny @ Momminitup.com).

I am now the proud owner of 20 tubes of Colegate toothpaste, in assorted flavors. My total cost for all of these?

Drumroll.....

-$22.40! That's right, CVS paid me $22.40 to walk away with 20 tubes of toothpaste.

I found numerous coupons for Colegate thanks to Money Saving Mom and combined them with my Extra Care Bucks to score big on this deal!

Now, the downside...

There was a limit of 5 tubes per CVS card, so I had to enlist the help of my boyfriend and 2 teenagers to help me (I also have them addicted and they had to have their own CVS cards).

I don't think that's too much trouble to have a family with beautiful smiles!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Hair Police Out On Patrol

Ok, I will admit it, I am the Hair Police.

I cannot go anywhere in public without checking out everyone's hair. I picture in my mind how I could make them look better. I go so far as to envision them sitting in my chair in the salon while I fix their haircut, or correct their color.

Sometimes, I catch myself staring at people...people with really bad hair. For instance, this evening I was with the kids at O'Charley's for dinner. A woman was seated across from me, and I knew the second I laid eyes on her I was in trouble! My little hampster on the wheel in my brain started running. I would guess this lady to be around 50. She was a very attractive lady...until you got to her hair...and her eyebrows. She had that mousey brown hair, which she had FROSTED! Saying the word "frosted" is like taking the name of color in vein. And mousey brown hair should NEVER, EVER, EVER be frosted. (for those of you who don't know what frosted is, it is when someone uses bleach to achieve a totally white shade, which usually looks like Kentucky fried hair when it's done) When you mix: mousey brown +frosted white= gray.

So now we have this very attractive lady with self-made gray hair. But that's not the worst of it...oh no...it get's even worse! She had curled the top straight back, no bangs, and the poofed it up as high as she could. Then, it looked like she took a vent brush and a blow dryer and some hair spray and made wings on the sides of her head. The back of her hair was completely flat, so she looked like she stook up against a brick wall when she did her hair. And to top it all off, she had drawn on her eyebrows...with DARK BROWN eyebrow pencil! I swear, that made her hair look ever grayer!

I dared my daughter to take a picture of her with her phone, but she wouldn't play with me.

Here's my question...Do people like that really think their hair looks good? Certainly a woman would not look in a mirror and think having bat wings would look stylish!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My Super Not-So-Sweet 16

16 years ago today I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl. Today, well, let's just say she's still beautiful...and BOSSY...

Valerie usually crawls out of bed anywhere between 4-5...PM. Today, she got up early...around 3pm, and wanted to get a move on for her 16th birthday. She could not decide between and X-Box 360 and a new puppy. After much contemplation she decided on the X-Box. BUT, she wanted to go look at the puppy first. Soooo, we drove to Dayton. When the breeder put that adorable little white Maltese in her arms she said,

"I think I will just buy my own X-box."

So we have a new addition to our family. Her name is Peyton, after Peyton Manning, of coarse! We took her with us to Spaghetti Warehouse to eat. Valerie hid her in her purse. She kept peeking her little face out...just precious! Then we took her to Wal-Mart and spent a ridiculous amount of money on clothes and accessories for this 2.2lb puppy.

I gave her a bath (she was pretty ripe!), dressed her in a cute little t-shirt, and put a pink bow in her hair. Now the hard part...how to keep the two little kids from maming this little white ball of fluff!

Owen-isms


Insight from the mind of a 5 year old boy...

Owen- "Mommy, is Jesus inside us all?"
Me- "Yes baby, He's inside us all."
Owen- (Looking puzzled) "Where's He at?"
Me- "He's in our hearts."
Owen- (clutching his chest) "He's right here?!"
Me- "Yes, baby, He's right there."
Owen- (Eyes wide open) "MOMMY!"
Me- "Yes, Owen?"
Owen- (Excited) "I think I can feel Him?!
Me- (Trying not to giggle at the astonished look on his face) "You can?!"
Owen- "YEAH!"
Me- "That's great Owen!"
Owen- (His look of astonishment suddenly turned to worry) "Mommy?"
Me- "Yes, baby?"
Owen- "What's He doing in there?"
Me- (Ok, I admit, I am having a very hard time not falling on the floor laughing because that is the most endearing thing that has ever come out of this child's mouth! I managed to contain my composure and answer him.) "Well, Owen, He is helping you to make good choices and to be a good Christian."
Owen- " That's AWESOME!!"
Me- "Yes, Owen, it certainly is!"

Saturday, February 2, 2008

My Blog Has Moved!

I have decided to move my blog. Actually, I forgot to pay for my subscription after my free trial from Squarespace was up, so my blog dissapeared! Hopefully I can get everything back in order.