Sunday, June 29, 2008

What's Grosser Than Gross???

When you are cleaning up the bathroom trash that your daughter's dog tore through and you find a used condom....and you know that it was used by your almost 18 year old son!!!

Now granted, I do give him credit for being responsible enough to use a condom...but DUDE....throw it in your own trash can!!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Weirdos in the Toy Isle...

I was on a mission this evening. I promised Owen I would buy him a new Transformer. He told me that he wanted the “helicopter” Transformer. I told him that I would try my best to find it for him…he told me to go to Target!

So…I made a pit-stop at Target on my way home from work tonight to get his “helicopter” Transformer. Of coarse, being a Target lover and being child free at this particular time, I browsed the store for a while. I got a really cool chocolate-brown cloth hamper with a removable laundry bag for the bathroom…WOW! Did I really get excited about a hamper??? I got a make-up organizer for my bathroom…I wonder if having my make-up organized will magically make extra time appear for me to actually put it on??? I also got some paper towels and some new plastic cups for the kids to use since every time they take one out of the kitchen the invisible monster who lives in our house runs off with it and it’s never seen again! But enough about what I got, this story is supposed to be about the “helicopter” transformer.

Anyway…I finally made it to the toy isle. We frequent the Transformer section of Target quite frequently, so I knew exactly where to go. There was a very “interesting” looking gentleman standing in front of the Transformers. I just assumed he was looking for a Transformer for one of his kids…though I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to breed with him, but to each his own! He had this teeny-tiny little head on a skinny little neck, which was connected to droopy shoulders, a ginormous Buddha-belly, and chicken legs. His face was covered with patchy stubble. To top it off, he had a horrible odor wafting from his body.

I started browsing through the Transformers and he looked at me and said,

“Is there any Transformer in particular you are looking for tonight?”

(Dude…are you serious??? You don’t work here…you’re not wearing a name tag and you’re not sporting the red polo!)

“Ummm…I am looking for the “helicopter” one.” I said.

“Oh, they are out of that one. In fact, I haven’t seen it here in a while.” He replied, matter of factly.

“Oh, ok.” I said. I continued to look through them to try to find one the child does NOT own…

“Here…this is the only “helicopter” they have.” He said, handing me a box. He was obviously proud to have found one for me.

“Oh, thank you. This will do just fine.” I said, taking the box from him.

I tossed it in the cart and walked away before he tried to help me find anything else in the store.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Does He Really Exist???

What qualities are considered necessary to create the “perfect man”?

I’m not talking about the “perfect looking” man; I’m talking about a man who is marriage material. These are a few of the qualities I consider necessary:

1) Employment (Unless your name is Joeprah, you need to have a J-O-B!)
2) Teeth (Gums are only cute if you are 1 or 100)
3) Maturity (If I wanted to hang out with a teenager, I would hang out with my son!)
4) Compassion (You have to care about someone other than yourself)
5) Self-Control (Active addictions are not conducive to my career, and I am not looking for another verbal, mental, or physical abuser)
6) Honesty (A relationship can not be built on lies!)
7) Morals & Values (I don’t want to worry about taking you out in public!)
8) Correct Grammar (“Gots” is not a word, so please don’t say it!)
9) Affectionate (A hug after a long day is a wonderful stress reliever)
10) Parenting Skills (Parents need to be a team, it’s the only healthy way to raise kids)

Yes, I have dated my share of losers. It’s like I have a neon sign above my head that reads “WILL FEED AND HOUSE THE UNEMPLOYED.” Or, I find the guy who thinks we made a “real connection,” yet I thought we had nothing in common. I wrack my brain trying to figure out what “connection” he thought we made…who knows? Maybe he has always dated losers too.

So…where do I find this “perfect man”?

Saturday, June 7, 2008


I have a love/hate relationship.

It's been going on for as long as I can remember.

I LOVE shoes...I HATE my feet...

I have large feet...I wear a size 10 shoe. My feet are kind of on the wide side, and I think I'm getting bunions (thanks, Mom!). I don't have much of an arch either, so I have to have some support in my shoes since I do hair and I stand all day.

Sandal season is here...this time of year sucks for me and my big, ugly feet. I can't do flat shoes, so all of those cute little flip-flops are out of the question. And this season, it seems that the Wedge has made a come back. Can you say, "Not for Shelli!" Have you seen how narrow those shoes are? My feet ooze out over the sides. Not to mention that I would probably fall and break my ankle in them anyway...That pretty much leaves me with old lady-looking shoes. Comfortable shoes. I dont want comfortable shoes...I want cute shoes!!!

Winter also poses a problem for me. I love to wear boots. My dream is to have a cute pair of hi-heel boots that come damn near up to my knee. Want to know why that will never happen? That will never happen because those boots are only made for women with calves the size of Nicole Ritchie's. My calves...they are more the size of Nicole Ritchie's torso. Who the hell makes these boots? And who do they make them for? I'm sure I'm not the only calf-challenged woman that wants some hot boots!

I own sooooo many pairs of shoes. They look so cute in the box. They have such inviting names. The shoes call out to me, so I buy them. Then, I get them home...try them on...and I cry...then I throw them in my closet...

But, no matter what...I will not resort to wearing the monstrosity known as Crocs!!!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Awww...How Sweet...NOT!!!

Sophie, Owen, Ella-Bella and I were driving to Beavercreek on Saturday for Sophie's softball tournament. Sophie and I were talking about how much trouble she was going to be in since we were running a few minutes late. Owen and Ella-Belle were being very quiet in the back seat...this is usually not a good thing. Out of the blue, Owen said to me:

Owen: "Mommy, you look really pretty!"
Me: " I do?"
Owen: "Yea, you look really pretty!"
Me: "Awww, Owen, that was very nice of you to say to Mommy!"

(Brief pause from the back seat)

Owen: "Mommy?"
Me: "What baby?"
Owen: "Can we get a toy?"

Oh my God! Is he serious? Did my sweet little 5 year old just tell me that I looked pretty to butter me up? I think he's been spending to much time with Valerie!!!