Friday, January 30, 2009

Fresh Prince Freaked My Friday

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up feeling kinda strange? Like everyone knows what you dreamt about and they think you're a disgusting sex-crazed idiot. I had one of those dreams last night. I'm sure it's my own fault. I have a bad habit of watching the TV while I'm asleep. The 'Fresh Prince of Bel-air' must have been on and snuck in to my subliminal mind because I was dreaming about Will Smith.



And it was a SEX dream.


Only, it wasn't a good sex dream. It wasn't a Will Smith 'I am Legend' all buff muscles hot and sweaty sex dream. No, not even close to that. He had that haircut....that dork-ass tall and flat on top DJ Jazzy Jeff haircut. But he was naked. And he wanted me to...well, you know...have a nibble of his male chicken.


So, I'm not a prude...and this IS Will Smith I'm dreaming about, right?


OK, so here's the kicker. Will had some sort of weird fetish. I guess it was a fetish? I don't know what else to call it. For some reason...a reason that I have not been able to rationalize...Will Smith wanted me to get giggy wit it while he was standing in the bowl of a toilet.



What? The? Fuck?


OK, OK! So I did it anyway! After all...this was Will freaking Smith I was dreaming about!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Can You Abandon Teenagers?

First of all, let me just say, I love my kids. All 5 of them. No matter what they do, I have that unconditional love we mothers have for our children.


But do teenagers really count? Like when they hit 17 and 18 and decide that they have no rules and it doesn't matter what mom says because she's always at work so what's she going to do about it anyway? And dad's a homeless drunken bum that we don't have to answer to, so hey, party on Wayne, party on Garth!


OK, So here's the sordid details: about 3 months ago we moved to a new house. This house is about half the size of our old house, and half the cost. The old house had 5 bedrooms, the new house has 3. This should have been no big deal. Dustyn had been shacked up with his girlfriend for over 6 months when we moved, so he was not my #1 priority. The girls could share a room; I even gave them the biggest room and took the smallest for myself. I shared a room with my sister growing up...it didn't kill either one of us! The 2 little kids could share the other room, and things should be just fine.

Keyword: Should be


About 3 weeks into our new house adventure, Dustyn and his girlfriend broke up. It's my fault the house is too small and he doesn't have a bedroom. I told him to sleep in Owen and Ella's room since those 2 sleep with me. Every. Freaking. Night. The next thing I know, Sophie's sleeping on the couch and Dustyn has taken over her bed! OK, so I get another set of bunk beds. We re-arange the girls room so that all 3 older kids can share it. Mind you...Owen and Ella are still sleeping with me. Every. Freaking. Night. Well, Dustyn has this habit of inviting his friends over. I don't have a problem with this, I like his friends. BUT THEY NEVER LEAVE. So, again, Sophie is sleeping on the couch because some random kid is sleeping in her bed. Then, Dustyn breaks Sophie's bed! OK, so it was a used bunk bed, but still...have some freaking respect!


Sophie went in her room today and I heard the older kids yelling at her. She came out crying and asked me if she could move her stuff into Owen and Ella's room. Now, her clothes are already in the living room closet because Valerie took over the closet in their room, and her belongings consist of her softball trophies and World Series pictures. I told her I thought that was a good idea; she could move in there and Ella could start sleeping in there too, and that would just leave Owen with me.


Valerie flipped the fuck out! I'm talking throwing Sophie's trophies and ripping her World Series pictures off the walls (these pictures cost me a fortune, I might add!) She started screaming at me that it's not fair that Sophie is getting the babies room and she asked for it first. She called me a bitch, called Sophie a fat bitch, and told her it's going to be a long year for her in this house.


Oh, and I can just forget about using her Foot Locker discount on anything for Sophie. Well I better bow down right now, cause I don't know how I can manage to live with out Valerie's Foot Locker discount!


By the time Valerie was done throwing her fit, she had sweat rolling off her entire body. Sophie told them she didn't want to share a room with a bunch of pot heads anyway, and my darling teenagers informed her that they have done the research, Marijuana isn't a drug, it's just a plant...it just grows there, and if you smoke it, it has side effects: sleepy, hungry, thirsty.


WOW!!! I have raised 2 idiots. I have my CDCA (Chemical Dependency Counselor Assistant). I have shown them all the research on Marijuana...that was not in the information I gave them.


So now everything is calm again. I have a feeling it may have something to do with a "harmless" plant that they went outside and smoked. Idiots. I think I may have to start slipping her some Abilify in her Mountain Dew.


Or maybe Sophie, Owen, Ella, and I could all move away in the middle of the night...nah, that wouldn't work, Dustyn and Valerie don't go to bed until 8am...


Suggestions anyone??


Wordless Wednesday



Oh, to have her energy.....

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Name That Video

Can anyone guess what my darling little Ella-Belle is doing in this video?
(yes, she is wearing Owen's underwear...don't ask me why!)

4 Year Old Talks Sex, Doggie Style

I had an interesting conversation with sweet little innocent miss Ella-Belle today. I was discussing the upcoming events of Friday with her. This was our conversation:

Me: "Sammy is going with us when I take you and Owen and Sophie to school on Friday."
(Sammy is Sophie's Maltepoo)


Ella-Belle: "Is he going to my pre-school?"

Me: "No, I'm going to drop him off at the vet after I drop you guys off at school."

Ella-Belle: "Is he getting a shot?"

Me: "Well, he's getting his shots, but he's also going to have surgery."

Ella-Belle: "Dustyn said he needs his balls cut off."

Me: Thinks to self 'nice thing to teach your 4 year old sister Dustyn!' "Well, they are going to neuter him. Do you know why the vet is going to do that?"


Now, the response I am looking for is that the vet is neutering Sammy because Sammy has a lovely habit of lifting his leg and peeing on everything in the house. For the last 3 weeks, every time I've caught him lifting his leg I've scolded him and said, 'you think it's funny? well have fun with it now, 'cause in X number of days, the boys are gone!' This was the response I got from my sweet, innocent little Ella-Belle...




Ella-Belle: "He's gettin' his balls cut off 'cause him and Payton always get their butts stuck together!"

Me: Well, what can I say? That was reason #2!

(Payton is Valerie's Maltese. Payton and Sammy are the proud parents of Brownie, Rexie, and Sunny-D, born Dec. 23, 2008)






Sunday, January 18, 2009

My Sunday Picnik






This has to be my favorite photo editing site ev-ah!


Some fun we had today:




Matt, Dillon, Owen, Ella-Belle and Haidyn; The Zombie Cousins


Sophie's big blue eyeball! lol

Shoes from my sisters wedding


Me...I'm soooo HOT! Sizzle....lol


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

...and a little bit of chicken fried (Dustyn, that is!)

Teenage boys...There should be a law against them.

Or when they turn 13 they should all be shipped off to boot camp.

I think God put boys on earth to pee on trees and turn their mothers hair gray. (The gray haired moms do keep me in business though!)

Then these boys turn into teenagers, and that, I believe, is a plot by the pharmaceutical companies to sell lots and lots of Xanex because they know that a teenage boy will drive his mother to the brink of insanity.

Case in point: Dustyn.

My first born. My adorable little boy with the big bright blue eyes and the curly mullet. The little boy that ate his first birthday cake with 2 fingers so he wouldn't get messy (the next day he got into the cake and painted the bedroom with it!)

Fast forward to Kindergarten. I get a call from the principal. My sweet baby took a CAP GUN to school! Nice, Dustyn, real nice. I need to come up to the school and pick up the cap gun because you can't send it home with him? No, that's quite alright...you go ahead and throw it away, he won't be getting it back!

He was eating worms to impress girls by the 3rd grade. Yum. Such the stud. By the 5th grade I was getting at least 1 phone call per week from the school vice-principal; by 8th grade I was getting them every other day. His excuse for being in the office so much? The school is hot...the office is air conditioned. They started making him sit out in the hallway after he let us in on that little Font sizetid-bit.

Then came high school. I introduced myself to the vice-principal at open house and told him I was sure we would be well acquainted in the next few years. And well acquainted we were! The funny thing is, the vice-principals have all really liked Dustyn. The majority of his teachers have liked him as well. He's just ornery. Impish if you will. He was forever getting in trouble for his collection of Abercrombie T-shirts, with their sexual connotations. 'I Mow Your Mom's Lawn' 'Peeks and Valleys Landscaping' and the all time favorite (use your imagination, if you will) EYEBALL HEART BEAVER SHAVING IN A MIRROR. Get it? Yea, the vice-principal said he would have tried to get away with that one when he was Dustyn's age too.

When he turned 16 I told him if he wanted to drive, he would have to pay for drivers ed. Who would have thought he could come up with the money so fast? I let him get his license. A short 3 weeks later he merged into an old lady with my car. Nice Dustyn, very nice. Easter Sunday he got caught drag racing...in front of the POLICE STATION...bright one Dustyn, very bright. Oh gee, darn! Dustyn got his license suspended for 90 days...boohoohoo...

Dustyn's 18 now. In his 18 years there have been many times when I have wanted to beat him within an inch of his life (which would be hard to do since he's been bigger than me since the 6th grade!) There were many times when I wish I would have had the luxury of being able to send him to his dad's house for the weekend just to have some peace and quiet.

But then I remember Thanksgiving Day 2006. That was the day I came as close as I had ever come to losing one of my children...

Dustyn was using a torch to cut apart an old van for scrap metal (yea, I have no clue why...ex's bright idea) when he came too close to a valve in the engine that has some sort of vapors of fumes or something in it. I saw a huge fireball outside my bedroom window. I had no idea my beautiful son was standing in the center of the flames.
I was about to go out and yell at him for playing with fire when he came running in the house screaming,

"I burnt my fucking hands!"

He ran to the bathroom and started running cold water over them. When I got to the bathroom, I noticed that the entire side of his face was a strange gray color and his fuzzy puberty moustache was missing, as were part of his eyebrows and eyelashes.
I wanted to take him to the hospital. The ex told me I was stupid; he didn't look that bad (ex's are ex's for a reason, right?). Dustyn was going into shock. He could hardly walk out to the car. The ex was bitching...something about his grandparent's house and turkey...I couldn't pay attention.

I drive past the hospital every day on my way to work. I could not for the life of me remember how to get there. I almost hit a deer on the way...I mean I was so close to it that I could see it's butt hole. Since when do deer run across the road in broad daylight? That is the only part of the drive I remember...

The only good part of this hospital trip was that we didn't have to wait in the waiting room. The triage nurse took one look at him and called over the P.A. system for a doctor stat, and the next thing I knew, we were in a room, he was half naked and being pumped full of dilaudid. They wanted to transfer him to Children's Hospital...they weren't equipped for burns of his nature...needed to make sure he didn't inhale...nose hairs were singed....

The drive to Children's took forever. He was calmer by then (4 doses of dilaudid and morphine will do that to a kid). The ER doctor and Children's offered him something for pain...a nurse came back with some Tylenol 3.

"What the fuck is this supposed to do?"

I couldn't even smack him for cussing...for one, his face was raw meat, and for two, I agreed with him! They send him up to the burn unit where Dustyn got to enjoy the company of many hot nurses who must have drawn the short straw because they had to work on Thanksgiving Day. He had them all taking pictures of him on his phone, which he promptly posted to him MySpace to get sympathy from all his friends. The dressed his burns and scheduled us to come back in a few days for debreedment and we were set to go. A total of 6 hours had passed.

We went to my parents for Thanksgiving dinner...they didn't save us any...assholes...

So, whenever I think of how much I want to strangle Dustyn, like an hour ago when I found out he has a bench warrant for not going to traffic court yesterday for the traffic ticket he forgot to tell me he got 8 days ago...and like right now because he's tormenting his brother and sister, I just think back to that Thanksgiving day and remember how lucky I am to have him...







Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ella-Belle Shares the Love...NOT **UPDATE**


Ella-Belle has also been so kind as to share the love with her big sister Sophie!


4 out of 5 kids with STREP.....If I were Valerie, I think I would leave town!


As for me.....I'm hiding out at work!!!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ella-Belle Shares the Love...NOT



Ella-Belle is the youngest of my 5 offspring. She doesn’t have much in common with her sisters, Sophie and Valerie, because of the 8 and 12 year age differences. She has even less in common with her brother, Dustyn because of the 14 year age difference, and the fact that he’s a boy (wanna be man) who would rather die than let someone know he actually plays with his 4 year old little sister!

So that leaves Owen. Owen is 6. He and Ella-Belle are best friends, and worst enemies.

The problem with Ella-Belle is that Ella-Belle lives in Ella-Belle’s world. She likes to stay up late every night, and sleep in until 10:00am every morning. Too bad we have to leave the house by 6:50 every weekday morning! She insists on getting dressed while under the covers. That’s fun. NOT. And she only has 3 conversation topics:

POOP, FART, and NIPPLES!

Ella-Belle expects everyone in the house to admire her waste products before she will flush the toilet. Owen has become her personal “Pooparazi” with the new camera he got for Christmas. We can’t go anywhere without her announcing to everyone that she farted. And the nipple conversations are blush-inducing! She tipped over her chair one day while we were eating at Bob Evans. The diner sitting behind us asked if she was alright. I assured her that she was fine, and Ella-Belle said, “I hurt my nipple!” The diner started to giggle. I told Ella-Belle to be quiet and she said, “But I hurt my nipple! Want to see?” and she proceeded to yank her shirt up. I just shook my head.

But Ella-Belle loves to share! Just this week she has been sharing with Owen and Dustyn. What has she been sharing? STREP THROAT!

She’s such a sweet little sister!


Friday, January 2, 2009

When Is Enough Really Enough?

I went shopping this week.

3 times.

I bought shampoo and conditioner.

A LOT of shampoo and conditioner. 73 bottles to be exact.

I am trying to rationalize my purchases. Was I being a frugal shopper, or an obsessed nut-case? You see, I had all these coupons for Infusium 23 and Pantene products, and we were out of conditioner. A home with 3 teenagers and no conditioner is a case for Children’s Services (so I’ve been told!)

I have to let you in on a secret. Using store bought shampoo is against my code of ethics. Well, not really, but I would have a hard time retailing the shampoos and conditioners I carry in the salon to my clients if they knew I was wiping out the shelves of 3 CVS’s for their stock of discounted goods! I always used my salon retail products at home, but I have noticed in the last year or so that we are always out of shampoo and conditioner!

I believe the kids were drinking it. Or trying to make explosives out of it. Or maybe, just maybe, they just poured it down the drain so they could complain that we were out of it and remind me that I’m “a horrible mother who does hair for a living, but can’t even bring home shampoo and conditioner for her own kids!” (That would be a direct quote from Valerie)

Well guess what kids? You got your wish! AND THEN SOME!

I added up all my purchases, and my total for all 3 transactions was a little under $40.00!

How could I NOT buy every single bottle on the shelf? How could I NOT go to every single CVS in my town and clean their shelves? How could I not brag to Jenny about it? And how could I not blog about it?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

My New Year's Resolution List

Every year I say I’m going to make a list of my New Year’s Resolutions, but in the end, I never have. I always have these BIG ideas of what I want to get accomplished in the new year, but I never seem to follow through much past January 2nd.

This year WILL be different!

This year, I’m making a list! Ironically, by making said list, I will have accomplished Resolution #1.

2009 Resolution List

1) Make New Year’s Resolution List
2) Do My Bookwork EVERY Day, Not Every 6 Months
3) Limit Fast Food Consumption to 1x/ Week
4) Stop Drinking Caffeine After 5pm
5) Stop Hitting The “Snooze” Button on My Alarm EVERY morning
6) Stop Procrastinating
7) Learn to Type With Out Looking at The Keyboard
8) Stop Using the “F” Work as an Adjective
9) Start Excersizing @ School (even if it’s only for 10 minutes!)
10) Stop Buying My Kids Toys EVERY Time We Go To The Store
11) Say What I Mean, and Mean What I Say
12) Don’t Half-Ass Anything
13) Get Back in The CVS and Couponing Groove

Ok, so I can check off #1 on my list! WooHoo for me:) But, I am still procrastinating…it is going to be January 2nd before I get this posted, and…I’m drinking a can of Mountain Dew (HAHA Jenny!) while I’m typing this! Which means I will probably hit snooze a few times in the morning because I know I will get no sleep tonight…But, on the other hand, I did rock some awesome deals on shampoo and conditioner at CVS two days in a row. And tonight, when Owen and Ella-Belle were HETHENS when I took them out to dinner, I did not take them to see Bolt-3D like we had planned. I warned them, and I carried through. Wow, were they surprised!

So, all in all, 2009 is starting off to be a great year, and it should only get better from here out, God willing. Dustyn will graduate from high school and Ella-Belle will start Kindergarten. Sophie will become a teenager. If Valerie puts her mind to it, she may graduate by the end of this year also, and Owen…my special Owen…maybe this will be the year we get a definate diagnosis for you so that we can put a name on the demon that torments you so…

And I have Tim…the man I always dreamed of, but thought did not exist.

My Life Is Amazing!