Tuesday, January 13, 2009

...and a little bit of chicken fried (Dustyn, that is!)

Teenage boys...There should be a law against them.

Or when they turn 13 they should all be shipped off to boot camp.

I think God put boys on earth to pee on trees and turn their mothers hair gray. (The gray haired moms do keep me in business though!)

Then these boys turn into teenagers, and that, I believe, is a plot by the pharmaceutical companies to sell lots and lots of Xanex because they know that a teenage boy will drive his mother to the brink of insanity.

Case in point: Dustyn.

My first born. My adorable little boy with the big bright blue eyes and the curly mullet. The little boy that ate his first birthday cake with 2 fingers so he wouldn't get messy (the next day he got into the cake and painted the bedroom with it!)

Fast forward to Kindergarten. I get a call from the principal. My sweet baby took a CAP GUN to school! Nice, Dustyn, real nice. I need to come up to the school and pick up the cap gun because you can't send it home with him? No, that's quite alright...you go ahead and throw it away, he won't be getting it back!

He was eating worms to impress girls by the 3rd grade. Yum. Such the stud. By the 5th grade I was getting at least 1 phone call per week from the school vice-principal; by 8th grade I was getting them every other day. His excuse for being in the office so much? The school is hot...the office is air conditioned. They started making him sit out in the hallway after he let us in on that little Font sizetid-bit.

Then came high school. I introduced myself to the vice-principal at open house and told him I was sure we would be well acquainted in the next few years. And well acquainted we were! The funny thing is, the vice-principals have all really liked Dustyn. The majority of his teachers have liked him as well. He's just ornery. Impish if you will. He was forever getting in trouble for his collection of Abercrombie T-shirts, with their sexual connotations. 'I Mow Your Mom's Lawn' 'Peeks and Valleys Landscaping' and the all time favorite (use your imagination, if you will) EYEBALL HEART BEAVER SHAVING IN A MIRROR. Get it? Yea, the vice-principal said he would have tried to get away with that one when he was Dustyn's age too.

When he turned 16 I told him if he wanted to drive, he would have to pay for drivers ed. Who would have thought he could come up with the money so fast? I let him get his license. A short 3 weeks later he merged into an old lady with my car. Nice Dustyn, very nice. Easter Sunday he got caught drag racing...in front of the POLICE STATION...bright one Dustyn, very bright. Oh gee, darn! Dustyn got his license suspended for 90 days...boohoohoo...

Dustyn's 18 now. In his 18 years there have been many times when I have wanted to beat him within an inch of his life (which would be hard to do since he's been bigger than me since the 6th grade!) There were many times when I wish I would have had the luxury of being able to send him to his dad's house for the weekend just to have some peace and quiet.

But then I remember Thanksgiving Day 2006. That was the day I came as close as I had ever come to losing one of my children...

Dustyn was using a torch to cut apart an old van for scrap metal (yea, I have no clue why...ex's bright idea) when he came too close to a valve in the engine that has some sort of vapors of fumes or something in it. I saw a huge fireball outside my bedroom window. I had no idea my beautiful son was standing in the center of the flames.
I was about to go out and yell at him for playing with fire when he came running in the house screaming,

"I burnt my fucking hands!"

He ran to the bathroom and started running cold water over them. When I got to the bathroom, I noticed that the entire side of his face was a strange gray color and his fuzzy puberty moustache was missing, as were part of his eyebrows and eyelashes.
I wanted to take him to the hospital. The ex told me I was stupid; he didn't look that bad (ex's are ex's for a reason, right?). Dustyn was going into shock. He could hardly walk out to the car. The ex was bitching...something about his grandparent's house and turkey...I couldn't pay attention.

I drive past the hospital every day on my way to work. I could not for the life of me remember how to get there. I almost hit a deer on the way...I mean I was so close to it that I could see it's butt hole. Since when do deer run across the road in broad daylight? That is the only part of the drive I remember...

The only good part of this hospital trip was that we didn't have to wait in the waiting room. The triage nurse took one look at him and called over the P.A. system for a doctor stat, and the next thing I knew, we were in a room, he was half naked and being pumped full of dilaudid. They wanted to transfer him to Children's Hospital...they weren't equipped for burns of his nature...needed to make sure he didn't inhale...nose hairs were singed....

The drive to Children's took forever. He was calmer by then (4 doses of dilaudid and morphine will do that to a kid). The ER doctor and Children's offered him something for pain...a nurse came back with some Tylenol 3.

"What the fuck is this supposed to do?"

I couldn't even smack him for cussing...for one, his face was raw meat, and for two, I agreed with him! They send him up to the burn unit where Dustyn got to enjoy the company of many hot nurses who must have drawn the short straw because they had to work on Thanksgiving Day. He had them all taking pictures of him on his phone, which he promptly posted to him MySpace to get sympathy from all his friends. The dressed his burns and scheduled us to come back in a few days for debreedment and we were set to go. A total of 6 hours had passed.

We went to my parents for Thanksgiving dinner...they didn't save us any...assholes...

So, whenever I think of how much I want to strangle Dustyn, like an hour ago when I found out he has a bench warrant for not going to traffic court yesterday for the traffic ticket he forgot to tell me he got 8 days ago...and like right now because he's tormenting his brother and sister, I just think back to that Thanksgiving day and remember how lucky I am to have him...


  1. OMG! When I saw the pictures I thought about my oldest son and the things he does. It's like they know we will bail them out.

  2. OMFG!!!
    I am so glad I had a girl.